Finding God in our Feelings: Facing Shame (Expanded)

Finding God in Our Feelings: Facing Shame

Small Group Sermon Reflections (Expanded)

Listen up: Feelings
Scripture Text: 
Genesis 38
Sermon Preamble

We look forward to this summer’s blockbuster movies, particularly with heroes fighting for good. We love heroes who confront and vanquish evil, face darkness whatever that darkness may be, and have courage to persevere and live into their mission and destiny. We also are inspired by news of regular people doing courageous things, like standing in the gap for someone or going the extra mile, sometimes at personal sacrifice to face a challenge, address an evil or injustice, and live into the heroic lives God intends for each of us. Like the heroes of our stories and even real-life heroes, we also must face the darkness that can invade our lives, especially when that darkness is within. Darkness within, if left unaddressed, can lead to lives of quiet desperation, depression, and defeat, robbing us from living fully into our God designed destiny. As we look at challenging feelings, we have to be willing to go within and face areas of pain and darkness. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, God partners with us, taps our inner hero, and invites us to be strong and courageous. In this message, we are going to learn from a Bible hero, Tamar. She had to navigate through dark shadows to live into her purpose and calling; Tamar had the courage to face the darkness and live into the calling God had for her.

Background of the family Tamar marries into
Tamar marries into a famous family in the Old Testament beginning with Abraham. Abraham and Sarah had Isaac, who married Rebekah. Rebekah had Jacob, who had twelve sons that comprised the twelve tribes of Israel. 
God made a covenant with Abraham that God would bless all nations through this family. Judah, the fourth son of Jacob, initiated the idea for the brothers to sell Joseph, the eleventh son into slavery because they were jealous that Joseph was Jacob’s favorite. This is where we pick up the account in Genesis 38. 

Tamar marries two sons of Judah, sons die childless, and Tamar exiled to father’s house
Judah has three sons; the oldest son is Er (Genesis 38:1-5). Judah arranged for Tamar to become the wife of Er; Er was wicked in the sight of the Lord, and God punishes him by death (Genesis 38:6-7). Judah directs the second son, Onan, to  perform the custom of the Levirate Marriage Law which stated that if the oldest brother died, the next brother was to become the husband to ensure an heir. Although Onan had intercouse with Tamar, Onan was not interested in fathering a child because the child would not be his in the eyes of the customs of that day (Genesis 38:8-9). If there was no heir for Er, the first born dead son, then Onan, the second son, would be in line for a larger inheritance. So Onan intentionally went against the customs and laws of that day for his own personal gain. This displeased God. Onan also received the punishment of death (Genesis 38:10).

Tamar is now the widow of two husbands, and Judah is leery about giving his younger, third son named Shelah as husband to Tamar. Judah is concerned that Tamar is cursed in some way resulting in death for the sons who are married to Tamar, so Judah tells Tamar to return to her father’s house, until Shelah grows up (Genesis 38:11).

Tamar exiled emotionally into the shadows of guilt and shame
Judah essentially banishes Tamar. Since she is waiting for Shelah, Tamar is a widow who is not free to remarry. Tamar is exiled, not only physically, but also emotionally into the shadows of guilt and shame. Think about Tamar’s plight. She does not understand why her husbands were dying. She is childless, which was a big social stigma in those days. She was sent back to live with her parents as a widow, thus burdening her aging family. 
Feel the weight of Tamar’s rejection, dishonor and shame, even though none of it was her fault! Tamar is left alone by two husbands. Tamar is uncared for by Judah, her father in law. Tamar is regarded as a cursed woman. Tamar is childless through two marriages. Tamar is whispered about, talked about, and humiliated by her community. Tamar is uncertain about her future, with no say or rights as a woman.
She may have questions whether she was cursed by God or what she did wrong for her life to turn out this way. In her private thoughts, she may have asked herself, “What’s wrong with me?” These are the dark shadows of shame.

Guilt and shame are not the same
Guilt is about behavior; guilt says I did something wrong. Shame is about identity; shame says that I am wrong, and there is something wrong with me. Guilt can lead us to ask for forgiveness, be reconciled, and repay the wrong. Shame leads us to hide, keep secrets, and feel bad about ourselves. Guilt and shame are often tied together because if we don’t address guilt, it can turn into shame. Longstanding guilt, whether unconfessed guilt or false guilt often becomes shame. We are ashamed of our behavior and then ashamed of ourselves. Shame is a concealed and dangerous emotion of inadequacy, personal disgrace, and the sense I don’t belong.

The dark shadow of shame
We don’t want anyone to know, but we may have dark shadows around: (1) a sordid and  painful past that we don’t want to think about, (2) a marriage that looks fine on the outside, but we know is deeply broken and a sham, (3) an abortion we never told anyone, (4) a divorce we didn’t want or a divorce we perceived as our fault, (5) parenting regrets over our children, (6) trauma of being sexually abused as a child, (7) a pervasive sense of being a failure, (8) addictions we keep private, (resentment towards ailing family matters we care for, (10) and the list of dark shadows goes on.

Shame is not only about things we’ve done that cause us to feel bad about ourselves. Shame also shows up in more subtle ways, and it gets deeply embedded from hurts, messages, and experiences that have attached to our core sense of ourselves. Neuro-biologically, shame hangs around longer than any other emotion or feeling. Shame is harder to shed and lingers for a lifetime. We can even feel shame about our shame.
Shame is the real culprit when we feel bad about ourselves. We feel bad from narratives and tapes we play in our heads. The voices tell us we will never be enough: not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, not man enough. The voices tell us we’re too bossy, strong, talkative, emotional or sensitive. Or the voices in our heads criticize us for: not having enough faith, letting people down, talking too much, not knowing better. These are feelings of shame that someone or some experience has planted. Shame grows deep. Even when we know that our thinking and feeling is not true, feelings of shame can erupt any time. We hide it because we don’t want anyone to know the insecurity we are feeling.

The dark shadow of Tamar and ourselves
One of the hardest areas of shame to break free from is the trauma when we are a victim. This was Tamar’s dark shadow. Those of us who have been victims can struggle deeply with feeling something must be wrong with me. We can live in the shadows of shame, even though we are the victims of someone else’s behavior.  Many of us know the dark shadows of guilt and shame, and they can be a heavy burden. An invitation to write anonymous prayer requests to God reveals that some of us have stuffed our guilt and shame down so far that we may not even be aware of the dark cloud hovering. However, if we are honest, and look at what leaks out through our emotions, many of us know well the various shadows of shame. When we ask forgiveness, receive it, and move on as God would have us do, we feel the freedom that forgiveness provides.

What about the recurring guilt and shame that does not seem to go away. You may wonder: (1) where is God in these dark shadows?, (2) Wh does this keep coming back?, (3 Why do you default to these thoughts since shame goes deep, and healing takes time?
God does not want us to stay hiding in the shadows. God is present even when God seems absent. God comes looking for us, even when we are hiding, just like God did with Adam and Eve. God is inviting us to step out of the shadows and into the light so we may be healed. God has a plan and purpose and does not want our shadows of shame to get in the way. This takes an intentional decision and courage to come from out of the shadows and into the light with the power of God’s Spirit. It is not easy; that is what makes it heroic..

Tamar stepping into the light meant taking the initiative to live into hers before God
Tamar grew tired of living in the shadows and decided to move towards the light. Tamar devised a plan in keeping with the customs of that day, although in an unusual way. Recall that, under Levirate Marriage Law, if a husband died, the brother was to marry his sister-in-law to produce an heir. The Law stated that if no brother, it was the duty of the father-in-law to produce an heir with the daughter-in-law. Tamar was following what was right for her day, and living into what was meant to be her destiny. She was smart about it. Tamar was not seeking to be a prostitute, or revenge to embarrass her father-in-law, nor engage in incest. (See Genesis 38:12-15). In asking for Judah’s signet cord, and staff, she was asking for the equivalent of what would be a driver’s license or credit card today. These are items personal and particular to Judah that could not be mistaken for anyone else’s. Judah gave them to Tamar, and Tamar conceived a child by Judah. (Genesis 38:18). Tamar has taken initiative to move from shadows into the light of her destiny. This was God’s plan for Tamar.

About three months later, Judah was told that Tamar was pregnant, allegedly by an immoral act. (Genesis 38:24). But Tamar sends word to Judah that the identity of the man whose signet, cord and staff is the man by whom Tamar is pregnant. (Genesis 38:25). “Then Judah identified them and said, ‘She is more righteous than I, since I did not give her to my son Shelah.’ And he did not know her again” (Genesis 38:26). Judah fulfilled the Levirate Law. Judah and Tamar birthed an heir, and Judah did not sleep with Tamar again.

Tamar, who stepped into the light, was a direct ancestor of Jesus Christ.
Tamar birthed twin boys, one of whom is Perez, the great grandfather five generations removed from Boaz and Ruth, in the lineage of King David and ultimately the lineage of Jesus Christ. Tamar was the first of only five women listed in the 14 generations from Abraham to Jesus!  Who would have thought Tamar would be listed as an ancestor of Jesus Christ?
In facing her dark shadows, Tamar took a huge risk. Anything could have happened to a woman alone, posing as a prostitute on the side of the road. God is with her, and there is a greater call on her life. Tamar stepped out of the shadows of darkness and into the light. 
God gives us the same invitation. We cannot be all God intends for us if we are hiding guilt and shame in the dark shadows. God is inviting us to come out of the shadows into God’s light. This can be easier said than done, so let’s explore three reflections to help us move toward the light.

Three reflections to help us SEE God and move toward the light
The S in see is to “Stop Hiding and Share.” Tamar could have stayed in her father’s house and then died a desperate woman, but she made a decision to stop hiding. One powerful way to stop hiding is to name the guilt and shame. Like David from last week’s message, we acknowledge the feelings and bring the real feelings to God. Sharing guilt and shame with God is critical, but also sharing with another trusted person is a way God moves us from darkness to light. “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another” (James 5:18). Psychologists tell us that unless we name the shame we will never be able to let it go. Sharing frees us from the shadows. Sharing with someone who can respond with God’s love is liberating and allows the power of God’s light to break through.

The first E in SEE is for “Exchange false narratives for God’s truth.” For a long time Tamar may have told herself that she was unworthy, a failure as a woman, cursed, unloved, and uncared for. She was not a failure, she still was of child bearing age; her life was not over; he wasn’t cursed, and there was more for her. For us, we have God’s Word to speak truth into our lives. God promises to never leave us nor forsake us, even when we feel alone. God has a plan for us since we are fearfully and wonderfully made, even though we may feel broken and damaged. If we confess our sins, we are truly forgiven and there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus; we are new creations. Nothing can separate us from God’s love for God is always seeking us; see Romans 8:38-39. Our human thoughts and feelings are not always true. We need to stand on the truth of God’s Word to develop God’s thoughts and feelings about us. God is in the truth telling business.

The last E in SEE is “Embrace the Light.” Tamar caught a bright vision for a new reality of  her life from darkness to light, and she decided to go for it. What if you step into the light and see Jesus standing there with arms outstretched? We can release all our guilt and shame into his hands since Jesus already handled our guilt and shame on the cross. Jesus exchanged our shame for his glory. Jesus has given us a  path to victory through his death and resurrection. It is already done. We fix our eyes on Jesus, embrace His marvelous light, and trust the process.  “A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out” (Isaiah 42:3). The process begins with the healing work of transformation, restores where there is hurt and brokenness, heals where there is woundedness, and proceeds at a pace we can handle.


Applying the Sermon Principles to Good Works
The invitation for us today is to have the heroic courage to step into the light. We don’t even have to muster the courage by ourselves, because God has given us a superpower in the person of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit wants to empower us to come out of the shadows of guilt and shame and be the hero God made each of us to be. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
Background of the family Tamar marries into
  • Review the promise God made with Abraham in Genesis 12:1-3, formalizing it into a covenant in Genesis 15:5-6, and repeated to Jacob in Genesis 28:13-14 (in you and your offspring shall all the families of the earth be blessed). Judah and a Canaanite woman bore three sons (Genesis 38:1-5), realizing the worst fears of Abraham (Genesis 24:3) and Isaac (Genesis 28:1), in directing their son not to marry a Canaanite woman. The promises related to the descendants of Abraham and Isaac were in danger of not being fulfilled. What evidence do you see of God’s intervention and control in the chosen family of Judah to keep the covenant promise to Abraham and Isaac?
Tamar marries two sons of Judah, sons die childless, and Tamar exiled to father’s house
  • How important is the Levirate Marriage Law in making certain that there would be an heir through which all nations would be blessed as a Messianic descendant from Abraham and Isaac? Could the operation of the Levirate Marriage Law be a factor in God’s plan to fulfill the covenant that through the descendants of Abraham, all nations will be blessed?
Tamar exiled emotionally into the shadows of guilt and shame
  • Tamar is exiled, not only physically, but emotionally into the dark shadows of guilt and shame. What is Tamar likely feeling from rejection, dishonor, and shame when none of it was her fault? When have you felt rejection, dishonor, and shame from events that are not your fault? In the dark shadow of shame, have you asked yourself, “What is wrong with me?” When have you been a victim of false guilt?
Guilt and shame are not the same
  • What are the distinguishing differences between guilt and shame?
  • What spiritual practices help us resolve long standing feelings of guilt so the guilt does not turn into shame?
The dark shadow of shame
  • What narratives, “tapes” we play in our head, and voices in subtle ways can lead to deeply embedded shame planted by someone or some experience?
The dark shadow of Tamar and ourselves
  • When have you, like Tamar, had to live in the shadows of shame, even though you were the victim of someone else’s behavior? How do we take the heroic action and intentional decision to step out of the shadows of shame and into the light with the power of God’s Spirit, so that we do not stay hiding in the shadows of shame?
Tamar stepping into the light meant taking the initiative to live into hers before God
  • How did Tamar take the initiative, led by God, to keep alive the promise to the descendants of Abraham that they would bless all nations and fulfill the Levirate Marriage Law so that there would be heirs to continue the line to the Messiah through sons of Judah and Tamar?
Three reflections to help us SEE God and move toward the light
  • Which of the three SEE reflections are most meaningful and useful for you? Why?

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