Family Love & Conflict
Copyright: South Bay Community Church
Sermon Reflections: Family Love & Conflict
Date: 9 July 2023
Speaker: Lead Pastor Tammy Long
Scripture Text: James 4: l-3
Sermon Reflections: Family Love & Conflict
Date: 9 July 2023
Speaker: Lead Pastor Tammy Long
Scripture Text: James 4: l-3
Sermon Resources
Sermon Preamble
We are continuing our sermon series on Family Love. In the prior message, we explored what love in action looks like. In the counter-cultural community God has in mind, love overflows wherever we go, to biological family, friends, co-workers, strangers, and even our enemies. The love God envisions for us is impossible without God. We cannot do it on our own. We have to be intentional to love like God wants us to love. We drew from Romans 12 in noting that love in action is (1) genuine, (2) delights in honoring one another, (3) helps those in need, especially God’s family, (4) pursues hospitality, (5) blesses/prays for those who are against us, (6) rejoices with those who rejoice, (7) weeps with those who weep, (8) lives in harmony and peace with one another. All of these love-in-action components can be challenging for us. However, living in harmony and peace with one another seems particularly challenging and can be disruptive for all the other components. Many things disrupt our peace and harmony with one another. From annoyances, arguments, skirmishes, to wars, conflict is an inevitable part of life at every level. Our trouble getting along with others will be our focus for this message.
We need conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict
Why is it so hard to get along? Charlie Brown declared that friends come and go, but enemies accumulate! We struggle to live in harmony and peace because conflict abounds. Will Durant, a famous historian declared that out of 3400 years of recorded human history, there are less than 268 years of known peace. Even in the 268 years of peace, there likely was fighting somewhere. Rodney King’s timeless question reverberates with us: Can’t we all just get along?
The honest unspoken answer is: No, not really.
What if we, as the family of God, were to approach conflict from a different perspective? One pastor declared that we need more than simply conflict resolution. Rather we need conflict revolution that overturns the ways we typically engage with conflict. Typically, when we engage with conflict, we prepare for battle “with our dukes up.” However, with conflict revolution, we would instead consider God’s way. God gives us an invitation and opportunity to address conflict in a Kingdom of God way. This Kingdom way addresses conflict with methods that allow us to experience and express more of God’s love in our broken and hurting world.
To bring about needed revolution in approaching conflict, we need to start with the cause of conflict.
Hear the Word of the Lord from James 4:1-3 (The Passion Translation) on conflict
The scripture asks, “1What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires? 2 You jealously want what others have so you begin to see yourself as better than others. You scheme with envy and harm others to selfishly obtain what you crave—that’s why you quarrel and fight. And all the time you don’t obtain what you want because you won’t ask God for it! 3 And if you ask, you won’t receive it for you’re asking with corrupt motives, seeking only to fulfill your own selfish desires” (James 4:1-3).
James holds nothing back and with good reason. Conflict is ugly. Conflict does not reflect a loving God. In fact, God and conflict do not go together. When we are in conflict, we have taken a step away from God. In today’s text, James is addressing disunity, factions, and major conflicts among the people of God.
This letter to the Church in Jerusalem is a very practical letter. Throughout this biblical letter, James deals with several issues including: jealousy, selfishness, gossip, slander, the power of the tongue, the necessity to be doers of God’s Word, not just hearers, the power of prayer, and issues related to clinging to the patterns of this world. Similarly, the words penned by James are very practical on the cause of conflict.
James is addressing the human reality and the source of conflict in timeless truths that apply to us
James is speaking to a specific body of believers at a specific point in history, but the words are timeless truths that very much speak to us now. We may read this text and feel that the words are for the Church at Jerusalem and not for us. You may feel that this text does not apply to you personally.
For example, South Bay Community Church has been blessed that we have not had significant conflicts. By God’s grace, overall we are a very loving and unified church. No one has stormed out of a business meeting. No sub-groups have stirred up mess and riled things up. We have not had warring factions or threats of a church split. These things can happen and are so painful! But like every church, we have had our share of disagreements and skirmishes that we have had to work out and work through. It would be a lie to say that each and every person gets along.
The words of this text are timeless truths that speak to us. James is addressing the human reality and origin for every conflict that has ever been or will ever erupt. The details do not matter. The source and reality is the same. So what is the problem?
Conflicts and quarrels begin in you
“What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires?” (James 4:1TPT). Conflicts and quarrels from personal agitations to international warfare come from battles that begin in you. Even before the conflict or quarrel erupts on the outside, there is a battle on the inside that wants to win a
ts its own way. This battle began in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve had a decision to make. This battle still erupts inside of us today.
Jealousy and thinking ourselves better than others, we can and do harm or kill to get what we want
“You jealously want what others have so you begin to see yourself as better than others. You scheme with envy and harm others to selfishly obtain what you crave—that’s why you quarrel and fight” (James 4:2 TPT). In our humanity, our first natural response is probably to deny our jealousy, or think of ourselves as better than others. We can deny that we scheme or harm others to get what we want. This text invites us to think, hold what James is saying, and look in the mirror at ourselves.
The New International Version translation of verse 2 is even more sobering: “You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.” For example, we could read this in the NIV and dismiss James’ point altogether because we don’t recognize that we can and do harm or kill to get what we want. There are many ways to harm or kill someone, not just physically. Words can harm or kill. Silence can harm or kill. Even looks can harm or kill. Jesus said, “21You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment. 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:21-22, New Living Translation NLT).
When you are reading the Bible, it can be helpful to read it in other versions to broaden and deepen our understanding. This allows the Holy Spirit to speak to our hearts for transformation. Most of us do not know Greek or Hebrew to study and learn from the original languages, so to read multiple versions of scripture can be helpful.
In essence James is asserting the teachings of Jesus. Battles begin in the heart. Conflicts begin inside of us. Conflicts erupt into a fight because we want our own way. We are trying to fulfill our desires.
For revolution in conflict we should ask for God’s help and check our true motives
“And all the time you don’t obtain what you want because you won’t ask God for it! And if you ask, you won’t receive it for you’re asking with corrupt motives, seeking only to fulfill your own selfish desires” (James 4: 2b -3). This passage of scripture suggests three things to truly seek a conflict revolution in our lives. (1) To break free of conflict, we need God’s help; we cannot do it on our own. (2) There are some legitimate wants for which we need to ask God. (3) We need to consider our true motives when we go to God and pray with a right heart.
How do we begin to do this and break free of the cycle of conflicts in which we may find ourselves? How do we address these battles on the inside so that they do not erupt into battles on the outside? How can we begin to put God’s love into action with a conflict revolution? This is a big topic. Let’s focus the remainder of our time on the “Fear Dance.”
Conflict leads us into the Fear Dance
Pastor Tammy Long taught a class ten years ago based on a book titled, The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. This book introduced the concept of the Fear Dance. It speaks to the wants and desires than can ignite conflict in our lives. With the help of God, we can begin to live into a conflict revolution that is an entirely different way to address and respond to conflict.
Here are the steps in the process of the Fear Dance of conflict. When someone “pushes our buttons,” or triggers our core fears, we tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give us what we want. We react out of being hurt. Often, our reaction then hurts the other person and pushes their buttons triggering their core fears. Then they react with unhealthy words or actions to try to get us to fulfill their wants. Before we know it, we have fallen into a full-blown Fear Dance of conflict.
Did you notice how similar this Fear Dance description is to what James is getting us to understand in our scripture text? Our buttons are pushed; that is an internal battle. We react with unhealthy words and actions that become an external battle with harm inflicted in the process. Our ultimate goal is to get what we want. Our reaction triggers the other person’s button. Now they also have an internal battle. They react in ways that make the battle external with the goal to get what they want. The conflict is then in full fanfare.
For your review, the link for our handout on Family Love and Conflict is:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing
See page 1 of the Family Love & Conflict link for a chart of the relational crisis in the Fear Dance of conflict and its connection to our scripture text of James 4:1.
God gives us psychologists, therapists, and counselors to help us better understand ourselves and conflicts
There is an underlying battle behind the conflicts we face. Because of sin, we are at our core selfish and self-centered people. We cannot help it. It is our default condition as humans. Ultimately, our underlying battle is our fleshly nature and sin wanting our own way. As a result, we need the grace of God at work within us. It is helpful to understand what is going on in conflict so that we can seek and live into God’s grace. It is also helpful to know exactly what wants I am fighting so hard to get. Some of those wants are legitimate and we need a revolution in how we handle conflict to address them in the right way.
Psychologists, therapists, and counselors inform us that what we think we are fighting about is not really what we are really fighting about. There is something deeper. When we are looking at conflict, there is often more going on than whatever we think is the conflict. The Family Love and Conflict Link, https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing,
depicts the Fear Dance of conflict more deeply. The cycle in the relational crisis continues in conflict. Most of the time, we don’t know all this is happening. We just know that we are angry, frustrated, or feeling a certain type of negative way. There is much happening on the inside where the battle begins.
Our wants and related fears that can lead us into a cycle of relational conflicts
See pages 2 and 3 of The Family Love and Conflict Link for a listing of some wants and the fear related to each of those wants. For example, you may want acceptance (to be received warmly without conditions), but the related fear is rejection. Another example is the want for attention (to be noticed and seen), but the related fear is feeling ignored. Each of the 26 wants is paired in the diagram with the related fear if those wants are not realized.
The reactions part of a full Fear Dance of conflict
Once we are hurt, it triggers fear, and then we react to soothe our hurt. Each of us has some common ways of reacting. Each person has particular reactions that they most often exhibit. Let us look at the handout link page on Fear Reactions:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing.
Examples of the 20 listed fear reactions are withdrawal (avoiding, sulking, going silent), tantrums (expressing a bad temper fit), and complaining (making accusations, expressing unhappiness, wining).
In reviewing this list of reactions and becoming more aware of what is really going on inside of us, we can see how our relationships can become a full Fear Dance of conflict.
We can look to God to help us address and revolt against how each of us typically engages in conflict.
Conflict revolution begins and ends with God
If we really want to experience a conflict revolution with the love of God flowing freely, we must start with God. We have to take those wants to God and allow God to meet those needs. Then we can step out of the Fear Dance of conflict.
When we start with God, everything else falls into place. Then, our ultimate deepest desire is for God. Starting with God and coming close to God is the bottom line of James’ letter to the church in biblical times and to us today as well.
Revolutionizing the way to handle conflicts is drawing close to God
“So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. (James 4:7). Drawing close to God is how we live into conflict revolution (a new way to engage with conflict). It will give us wisdom for how to respond to conflict, not just react in our fear dance. Drawing close to God realigns our wants to the proper place before God.
People are not able, nor did God create them to meet our every need and want. People will let us down and disappoint us. People will hurt us and fail us. But ultimately, God never will. God’s love is that immense.
Drawing close to God destabilizes the schemes of the evil one and the forces of evil. The evil one loves to fan conflict. The evil one walks around like a roaring lion looking for opportunities to stir mess and strife.
Drawing close to God enables us to experience God’s loving forgiveness. When we remember that love covers a multitude of sins, we grow. Then, when we are wronged or hurt, we can declare, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). They are in their own internal battle.
In humility, worship and sacrifice to God, whose love is immense enough to meet our deepest wants
“Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.” (James 4:8). The language of this passage describes preparation for temple worship and sacrifices to God. Worship and sacrifices to God is what humbling ourselves before God is all about. To humble ourselves before God means to submit to God’s Will and God’s Way, allowing God to be our all in all. When we do so, we will not only discover that our wants may not be as important as we think they are, but that God’s love is immense enough to meet our deepest desires and more.
Application for activation
Consider applying these translations of Psalm 46:10 to revolutionize the cycle of conflict God’s Way. “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God’” (NIV). “Calm down, and learn that I am God” (CEV Contemporary English Version). “Stop fighting, and know that I am God” (Christian Standard Bible).
A few weeks ago, each of us had an assignment to intentionally share God’s love. You were invited to do a “triple play” of putting love into action this week. The first play is to put love into action for a biological family member that you don’t get along with. The second play is to put love into action for a brother or sister in Christ. The third play is to put love into action with a stranger or even an enemy. Reread Romans 12:9-18 for ideas. As an alternative for application, get some ideas at the website titled “87 ways to be kind and loving.”
The website is https://www.6seconds.org/2022/06/27/kindness-and-loving-75-ways.
If you did not get to do that it is not too late. It is never too late to express love.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS INCLUDING FOR USE IN FAMILY GROUP
Sermon Preamble
-When have you faced challenges at living in harmony and peace with others?
We need conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict-----What are the differences between resolving conflicts and a conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict?
Hear the Word of the Lord from James 4:1-3 (The Passion Translation) on conflict
-Why does conflict not reflect our loving God? Why is this important?
James is addressing the human reality of the source of conflict in timeless truths that apply to us
-Bible interpretation should recognize that the Bible was not written to you, but the Bible is preserved for you. For applying the Bible today, we need to see how the message of scripture applies to all people, all cultures, and in all times. In what ways does the text in James 4:1-3 apply to all people, all cultures, and in all times?
Conflicts and quarrels begin in you
-What is the underlying battle as the source of conflicts and quarrels that begin inside of you?With jealousy and thinking ourselves as better, we can and do harm or kill to get what we want
-What are some ways that we can harm or kill others without physically killing them?
For revolution in conflict we need God’s help; we should ask of God; we should check our true motives
-In what ways do we need God to transform the ways we typically handle conflict?
Conflict leads us into the Fear Dance
-What are the steps in the process called the Fear Dance of conflict? How is the description of the process in the Fear Dance of conflict consistent with the timeless truths of the scripture in James 4:1?
God gives us psychologists, therapists, and counselors to help us better understand ourselves and conflicts
-What resonates with you from the handout link in better understanding self and the deep source of conflicts even though in conflict we may only know the feelings of anger and frustration?
Our wants and related fears that can lead us into a cycle of relational conflicts
-What resonates with you from the handout link listing of wants and the fear related to those wants?
The reactions part of a full Fear Dance of Conflict
-From the list of Fear Reactions, what fear reactions do you most often feel?
We are continuing our sermon series on Family Love. In the prior message, we explored what love in action looks like. In the counter-cultural community God has in mind, love overflows wherever we go, to biological family, friends, co-workers, strangers, and even our enemies. The love God envisions for us is impossible without God. We cannot do it on our own. We have to be intentional to love like God wants us to love. We drew from Romans 12 in noting that love in action is (1) genuine, (2) delights in honoring one another, (3) helps those in need, especially God’s family, (4) pursues hospitality, (5) blesses/prays for those who are against us, (6) rejoices with those who rejoice, (7) weeps with those who weep, (8) lives in harmony and peace with one another. All of these love-in-action components can be challenging for us. However, living in harmony and peace with one another seems particularly challenging and can be disruptive for all the other components. Many things disrupt our peace and harmony with one another. From annoyances, arguments, skirmishes, to wars, conflict is an inevitable part of life at every level. Our trouble getting along with others will be our focus for this message.
We need conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict
Why is it so hard to get along? Charlie Brown declared that friends come and go, but enemies accumulate! We struggle to live in harmony and peace because conflict abounds. Will Durant, a famous historian declared that out of 3400 years of recorded human history, there are less than 268 years of known peace. Even in the 268 years of peace, there likely was fighting somewhere. Rodney King’s timeless question reverberates with us: Can’t we all just get along?
The honest unspoken answer is: No, not really.
What if we, as the family of God, were to approach conflict from a different perspective? One pastor declared that we need more than simply conflict resolution. Rather we need conflict revolution that overturns the ways we typically engage with conflict. Typically, when we engage with conflict, we prepare for battle “with our dukes up.” However, with conflict revolution, we would instead consider God’s way. God gives us an invitation and opportunity to address conflict in a Kingdom of God way. This Kingdom way addresses conflict with methods that allow us to experience and express more of God’s love in our broken and hurting world.
To bring about needed revolution in approaching conflict, we need to start with the cause of conflict.
Hear the Word of the Lord from James 4:1-3 (The Passion Translation) on conflict
The scripture asks, “1What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires? 2 You jealously want what others have so you begin to see yourself as better than others. You scheme with envy and harm others to selfishly obtain what you crave—that’s why you quarrel and fight. And all the time you don’t obtain what you want because you won’t ask God for it! 3 And if you ask, you won’t receive it for you’re asking with corrupt motives, seeking only to fulfill your own selfish desires” (James 4:1-3).
James holds nothing back and with good reason. Conflict is ugly. Conflict does not reflect a loving God. In fact, God and conflict do not go together. When we are in conflict, we have taken a step away from God. In today’s text, James is addressing disunity, factions, and major conflicts among the people of God.
This letter to the Church in Jerusalem is a very practical letter. Throughout this biblical letter, James deals with several issues including: jealousy, selfishness, gossip, slander, the power of the tongue, the necessity to be doers of God’s Word, not just hearers, the power of prayer, and issues related to clinging to the patterns of this world. Similarly, the words penned by James are very practical on the cause of conflict.
James is addressing the human reality and the source of conflict in timeless truths that apply to us
James is speaking to a specific body of believers at a specific point in history, but the words are timeless truths that very much speak to us now. We may read this text and feel that the words are for the Church at Jerusalem and not for us. You may feel that this text does not apply to you personally.
For example, South Bay Community Church has been blessed that we have not had significant conflicts. By God’s grace, overall we are a very loving and unified church. No one has stormed out of a business meeting. No sub-groups have stirred up mess and riled things up. We have not had warring factions or threats of a church split. These things can happen and are so painful! But like every church, we have had our share of disagreements and skirmishes that we have had to work out and work through. It would be a lie to say that each and every person gets along.
The words of this text are timeless truths that speak to us. James is addressing the human reality and origin for every conflict that has ever been or will ever erupt. The details do not matter. The source and reality is the same. So what is the problem?
Conflicts and quarrels begin in you
“What is the cause of your conflicts and quarrels with each other? Doesn’t the battle begin inside of you as you fight to have your own way and fulfill your own desires?” (James 4:1TPT). Conflicts and quarrels from personal agitations to international warfare come from battles that begin in you. Even before the conflict or quarrel erupts on the outside, there is a battle on the inside that wants to win a
ts its own way. This battle began in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve had a decision to make. This battle still erupts inside of us today.
Jealousy and thinking ourselves better than others, we can and do harm or kill to get what we want
“You jealously want what others have so you begin to see yourself as better than others. You scheme with envy and harm others to selfishly obtain what you crave—that’s why you quarrel and fight” (James 4:2 TPT). In our humanity, our first natural response is probably to deny our jealousy, or think of ourselves as better than others. We can deny that we scheme or harm others to get what we want. This text invites us to think, hold what James is saying, and look in the mirror at ourselves.
The New International Version translation of verse 2 is even more sobering: “You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous of what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.” For example, we could read this in the NIV and dismiss James’ point altogether because we don’t recognize that we can and do harm or kill to get what we want. There are many ways to harm or kill someone, not just physically. Words can harm or kill. Silence can harm or kill. Even looks can harm or kill. Jesus said, “21You have heard that our ancestors were told, ‘You must not murder. If you commit murder, you are subject to judgment. 22 But I say, if you are even angry with someone, you are subject to judgment! If you call someone an idiot, you are in danger of being brought before the court. And if you curse someone, you are in danger of the fires of hell” (Matthew 5:21-22, New Living Translation NLT).
When you are reading the Bible, it can be helpful to read it in other versions to broaden and deepen our understanding. This allows the Holy Spirit to speak to our hearts for transformation. Most of us do not know Greek or Hebrew to study and learn from the original languages, so to read multiple versions of scripture can be helpful.
In essence James is asserting the teachings of Jesus. Battles begin in the heart. Conflicts begin inside of us. Conflicts erupt into a fight because we want our own way. We are trying to fulfill our desires.
For revolution in conflict we should ask for God’s help and check our true motives
“And all the time you don’t obtain what you want because you won’t ask God for it! And if you ask, you won’t receive it for you’re asking with corrupt motives, seeking only to fulfill your own selfish desires” (James 4: 2b -3). This passage of scripture suggests three things to truly seek a conflict revolution in our lives. (1) To break free of conflict, we need God’s help; we cannot do it on our own. (2) There are some legitimate wants for which we need to ask God. (3) We need to consider our true motives when we go to God and pray with a right heart.
How do we begin to do this and break free of the cycle of conflicts in which we may find ourselves? How do we address these battles on the inside so that they do not erupt into battles on the outside? How can we begin to put God’s love into action with a conflict revolution? This is a big topic. Let’s focus the remainder of our time on the “Fear Dance.”
Conflict leads us into the Fear Dance
Pastor Tammy Long taught a class ten years ago based on a book titled, The DNA of Relationships by Dr. Gary Smalley. This book introduced the concept of the Fear Dance. It speaks to the wants and desires than can ignite conflict in our lives. With the help of God, we can begin to live into a conflict revolution that is an entirely different way to address and respond to conflict.
Here are the steps in the process of the Fear Dance of conflict. When someone “pushes our buttons,” or triggers our core fears, we tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give us what we want. We react out of being hurt. Often, our reaction then hurts the other person and pushes their buttons triggering their core fears. Then they react with unhealthy words or actions to try to get us to fulfill their wants. Before we know it, we have fallen into a full-blown Fear Dance of conflict.
Did you notice how similar this Fear Dance description is to what James is getting us to understand in our scripture text? Our buttons are pushed; that is an internal battle. We react with unhealthy words and actions that become an external battle with harm inflicted in the process. Our ultimate goal is to get what we want. Our reaction triggers the other person’s button. Now they also have an internal battle. They react in ways that make the battle external with the goal to get what they want. The conflict is then in full fanfare.
For your review, the link for our handout on Family Love and Conflict is:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing
See page 1 of the Family Love & Conflict link for a chart of the relational crisis in the Fear Dance of conflict and its connection to our scripture text of James 4:1.
God gives us psychologists, therapists, and counselors to help us better understand ourselves and conflicts
There is an underlying battle behind the conflicts we face. Because of sin, we are at our core selfish and self-centered people. We cannot help it. It is our default condition as humans. Ultimately, our underlying battle is our fleshly nature and sin wanting our own way. As a result, we need the grace of God at work within us. It is helpful to understand what is going on in conflict so that we can seek and live into God’s grace. It is also helpful to know exactly what wants I am fighting so hard to get. Some of those wants are legitimate and we need a revolution in how we handle conflict to address them in the right way.
Psychologists, therapists, and counselors inform us that what we think we are fighting about is not really what we are really fighting about. There is something deeper. When we are looking at conflict, there is often more going on than whatever we think is the conflict. The Family Love and Conflict Link, https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing,
depicts the Fear Dance of conflict more deeply. The cycle in the relational crisis continues in conflict. Most of the time, we don’t know all this is happening. We just know that we are angry, frustrated, or feeling a certain type of negative way. There is much happening on the inside where the battle begins.
Our wants and related fears that can lead us into a cycle of relational conflicts
See pages 2 and 3 of The Family Love and Conflict Link for a listing of some wants and the fear related to each of those wants. For example, you may want acceptance (to be received warmly without conditions), but the related fear is rejection. Another example is the want for attention (to be noticed and seen), but the related fear is feeling ignored. Each of the 26 wants is paired in the diagram with the related fear if those wants are not realized.
The reactions part of a full Fear Dance of conflict
Once we are hurt, it triggers fear, and then we react to soothe our hurt. Each of us has some common ways of reacting. Each person has particular reactions that they most often exhibit. Let us look at the handout link page on Fear Reactions:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ufmtNPe7YQzJFB_qNLLkWmZxqr9tVzOb/view?usp=sharing.
Examples of the 20 listed fear reactions are withdrawal (avoiding, sulking, going silent), tantrums (expressing a bad temper fit), and complaining (making accusations, expressing unhappiness, wining).
In reviewing this list of reactions and becoming more aware of what is really going on inside of us, we can see how our relationships can become a full Fear Dance of conflict.
We can look to God to help us address and revolt against how each of us typically engages in conflict.
Conflict revolution begins and ends with God
If we really want to experience a conflict revolution with the love of God flowing freely, we must start with God. We have to take those wants to God and allow God to meet those needs. Then we can step out of the Fear Dance of conflict.
When we start with God, everything else falls into place. Then, our ultimate deepest desire is for God. Starting with God and coming close to God is the bottom line of James’ letter to the church in biblical times and to us today as well.
Revolutionizing the way to handle conflicts is drawing close to God
“So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. (James 4:7). Drawing close to God is how we live into conflict revolution (a new way to engage with conflict). It will give us wisdom for how to respond to conflict, not just react in our fear dance. Drawing close to God realigns our wants to the proper place before God.
People are not able, nor did God create them to meet our every need and want. People will let us down and disappoint us. People will hurt us and fail us. But ultimately, God never will. God’s love is that immense.
Drawing close to God destabilizes the schemes of the evil one and the forces of evil. The evil one loves to fan conflict. The evil one walks around like a roaring lion looking for opportunities to stir mess and strife.
Drawing close to God enables us to experience God’s loving forgiveness. When we remember that love covers a multitude of sins, we grow. Then, when we are wronged or hurt, we can declare, “Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). They are in their own internal battle.
In humility, worship and sacrifice to God, whose love is immense enough to meet our deepest wants
“Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.” (James 4:8). The language of this passage describes preparation for temple worship and sacrifices to God. Worship and sacrifices to God is what humbling ourselves before God is all about. To humble ourselves before God means to submit to God’s Will and God’s Way, allowing God to be our all in all. When we do so, we will not only discover that our wants may not be as important as we think they are, but that God’s love is immense enough to meet our deepest desires and more.
Application for activation
Consider applying these translations of Psalm 46:10 to revolutionize the cycle of conflict God’s Way. “He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God’” (NIV). “Calm down, and learn that I am God” (CEV Contemporary English Version). “Stop fighting, and know that I am God” (Christian Standard Bible).
A few weeks ago, each of us had an assignment to intentionally share God’s love. You were invited to do a “triple play” of putting love into action this week. The first play is to put love into action for a biological family member that you don’t get along with. The second play is to put love into action for a brother or sister in Christ. The third play is to put love into action with a stranger or even an enemy. Reread Romans 12:9-18 for ideas. As an alternative for application, get some ideas at the website titled “87 ways to be kind and loving.”
The website is https://www.6seconds.org/2022/06/27/kindness-and-loving-75-ways.
If you did not get to do that it is not too late. It is never too late to express love.
DISCUSSION QUESTIONS INCLUDING FOR USE IN FAMILY GROUP
Sermon Preamble
-When have you faced challenges at living in harmony and peace with others?
We need conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict-----What are the differences between resolving conflicts and a conflict revolution that overturns the way we typically engage with conflict?
Hear the Word of the Lord from James 4:1-3 (The Passion Translation) on conflict
-Why does conflict not reflect our loving God? Why is this important?
James is addressing the human reality of the source of conflict in timeless truths that apply to us
-Bible interpretation should recognize that the Bible was not written to you, but the Bible is preserved for you. For applying the Bible today, we need to see how the message of scripture applies to all people, all cultures, and in all times. In what ways does the text in James 4:1-3 apply to all people, all cultures, and in all times?
Conflicts and quarrels begin in you
-What is the underlying battle as the source of conflicts and quarrels that begin inside of you?With jealousy and thinking ourselves as better, we can and do harm or kill to get what we want
-What are some ways that we can harm or kill others without physically killing them?
For revolution in conflict we need God’s help; we should ask of God; we should check our true motives
-In what ways do we need God to transform the ways we typically handle conflict?
Conflict leads us into the Fear Dance
-What are the steps in the process called the Fear Dance of conflict? How is the description of the process in the Fear Dance of conflict consistent with the timeless truths of the scripture in James 4:1?
God gives us psychologists, therapists, and counselors to help us better understand ourselves and conflicts
-What resonates with you from the handout link in better understanding self and the deep source of conflicts even though in conflict we may only know the feelings of anger and frustration?
Our wants and related fears that can lead us into a cycle of relational conflicts
-What resonates with you from the handout link listing of wants and the fear related to those wants?
The reactions part of a full Fear Dance of Conflict
-From the list of Fear Reactions, what fear reactions do you most often feel?
Posted in Family Love
Posted in Family love, harmony, peace, conflict, revolution, resolution, James 4: 1-3, disunity, factions, timeless, quarrels, kill, Matthew 5:21-22, God\\\\\\\'s help, Fear Dance, wants, fear, desire, reactions, close to God, worship, humility, sacrifice
Posted in Family love, harmony, peace, conflict, revolution, resolution, James 4: 1-3, disunity, factions, timeless, quarrels, kill, Matthew 5:21-22, God\\\\\\\'s help, Fear Dance, wants, fear, desire, reactions, close to God, worship, humility, sacrifice
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